22. An Old Story

This is my old story, in a pseudo comic book layout. It is story I had been repeating to myself for my whole adult life. In order to fill the squares I needed to identify the key elements of my life story:

• Emigration – I was told, “you’re really a Dublin girl.”
• My mother’s illness, as well as her emotional needs
• My responsibilities as her substitute parent
• Promises of better days that never came. “In time to come…” and “when we move back to Ireland…”

The stick figures represent, from left to right:

• My father, who was often away from home, travelling for business. When he did come home he brought a big black cloud with him.
• My mother, who was often ill in bed, suffering from various ailments and depression.
• My older brother, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was in his mid-teens.  
• Me, holding my new baby brother.
• My other younger brother, and my little sister 

Then there were Eckhart Tolle’s words:

“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you can never be free of it.”

Wow! Stop the presses!

My story was about growing up in a family steeped in pain. 

What good was this story doing? Was it helping me – at all? 

Maybe it was keeping me stuck and in pain.

Maybe I needed a new story.

I didn’t need to pretend that these things never happened – they did.

And some things were still difficult. But a lot of my life was pretty great. 

I could choose what aspects of my current life would define me. 

I could choose! 

If I chose to build my identity from the pain of the past, I would never be free of it. 

And I wanted freedom!